Chapter Twenty-Three – The Rebellion – In Scott’s Eyes
2003 – Mom is 54, I am 29, Julie is 26
Oh, God, I’m in the hospital. My heart is beating out of my chest, and I think I’m going to die. I’m so embarrassed. The fire department had to come to help get me into the ambulance. Nine grown men. Nine. Jesus, what’s wrong with me?! How did I get this bad? I’m so scared, I just want to live, I don’t want to die, really I don’t. My heart monitor is going crazy with beeps, I feel like my heart’s gonna explode. I’m so scared. The nurses got me in here, I got in the bed, and they hooked me up to a bunch of stuff. There’s a cuff on my arm, taking my blood pressure every few minutes, and it hurts. There’s some pads and wires stuck to my chest, I don’t know what they are for. Where’s my sister? I’m so scared. What’s going to happen to me? Am I going to die right here, today, in this emergency room bed? God, I don’t feel good, I can feel my heart beat in every fiber of my body, and it’s fast. Oh, God, what have I done to myself?
They are giving me a shot of diuretic so that I can pee off some of the water I’ve retained. So that my heart won’t fail. They say I have congestive heart failure. What is that? I don’t know what’s happening to me, except now I have to pee. Oh my god, I have to pee. They left me a urine jar, but I can’t reach! Oh, no, I can’t reach! Oh Jesus, oh Jesus, oh my God, I can’t hold it. I’ve just peed my bed. I’m so embarrassed. What do I do now? I push the nurse button, but no one is coming. I push it again. Oh, it hurts so bad. It stings, oh it hurts. Where’s Julie? Where’s my sister? Where’s the goddamn nurse? I’m crying now, I’m so upset, so ashamed, so soiled. Oh my God, I have to pee again. No, not again, please! Oh, well, I can’t help it, I have no choice. I’ve tried to reach the bottle down there, and I just CAN’T! Oh my God, this is so humiliating! What am I gonna do?
“Can somebody help me, please????” I am yelling for a nurse, since my button must be broken. No one has come and I’ve pushed it a thousand times. Oh, please, somebody come help me.
“Do you need something?” Finally, a nurse.
“I can’t reach with the jar. I’m wet. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do.” I start to bawl and the nurse just looks at me like I’m a big burden, then finds a way to remove the wet sheets underneath me. She stuffs a new blanket under me, leaves, and comes back with a bucket.
“Maybe you can use this instead. It’s a bigger target.”
“I’ll try. I’m sorry. What’s happening to me? Do you know if my sister’s here? Can you check?”
“We’re doing some tests, the doctor’s got to evaluate you and find out more about what’s going on. It won’t be long, I’m sure. I’ll check for your sister.”
“Thank you. I think my call button is broken. Can you check back in a little bit, please. I can’t seem to stop peeing, and I don’t think that bucket is going to work, but I’ll try.” I’m still crying, sobbing really, and she just looks at me like I’m crazy.
“The button’s not broken, we’re just busy. I’ll check back in a bit. Try to use the jar, or the bucket.”
“Okay, and you’re going to check for Julie, right???” As I ask her this, she is already gone from my little curtained-off room, and she doesn’t look back.
The pee is stinging my legs, my inner thighs. Oh, it hurts. I tried to lean off the bed and use the bucket, but pee just went all over my leg, and some onto the floor. Oh, it hurts. Where is Julie? Please, somebody help me. I need my sister. The nurse who took the sheets off last time didn’t clean me up at all. My pee is just sitting on my skin, burning me up. Owwww, God, it hurts. I’ve got to calm down somehow, my chest hurts. I think I’m going to have a heart attack. No one has been in here since that nurse left. No one. I don’t hear anything else going on out there. But I can’t see anything because the curtain is shut. I need help, but no one is coming. I’m just gonna lay here and die. I just know it. Oh, where is my sister?
I don’t know what I’ve been doing lately. I guess Julie was right, I’ve just been in a rebellious phase. What an idiot. I used to yell at her all the time when she was rebelling, told her what an ass she was. I didn’t understand why she had to act that way. But I realize what it feels like to want to be something different. To want to fit in with any crowd. To need to be accepted. These losers I have been hanging out with made me feel like I belong somewhere. I thought they loved me, or at least liked me. But now I don’t know. I’ve been horrible to Mom and Julie lately, just plain horrible. I’m a liar and a disgusting person. I’ve been treating Mom and Julie like they are animals lately. But they’re the only ones who really love me. God, I’ve been horrible to them, what’s wrong with me? Maybe that’s why Julie isn’t here yet. Maybe she won’t come at all. Oh my God, what have I done. I feel the heart monitor beeping faster, and I’m sure this is it. I’m just gonna close my eyes and die.
But instead, I close my eyes and cry. Between the tears running down my face, and the piss running down my legs, I’m a big, fat, wet mess. Oh, God, please just take me away. Just let me die. I’m ready for it. I can’t handle this anymore. I just don’t want to live anymore. Oh, God, I was just kidding, I don’t want to die. Just please help me. I don’t want to die. I’m so scared. All I want is my sister. Where is Julie? Oh, God, Julie hates me. And I don’t blame her. Why would she love me anymore? I’ve made her life, and Mom’s life, hell – pure hell. I’m such a bad person, no wonder all this is happening. Why have I been such an asshole? Is it too late, really, to make up for it? Maybe it is. Maybe I fucked up too much this time. Maybe I’ve lost them both. I can’t believe how painful pee can be. I think my skin is literally melting off my body right now. It sure feels like it anyway. I deserve it. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to die.
Oh my God, Julie’s here. Is she really here? Oh my God, I’m so happy to see my sister. I can’t believe it’s real. She doesn’t hate me, I can tell. The look in her eyes when she sees me is pure concern. And pain. Oh, God, I’m in so much pain, and I’m so scared. But my sister’s here and I love her.
“Oh my God, Scott, what’s going on?”
“Julie, I’m scared. I didn’t think you were coming. What happened?”
“I’ve been out in the waiting room for two hours, Scott, trying to get in here. I don’t know what their problem is, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? You look horrible, Jesus, you’re heart is beating out of your chest, I can feel it on your skin. Are you okay? What’s been going on back here?”
“I…Julie….I...don’t know. I need help.”
“Well, I can see that. Are you in pain? You look terrible, you’re all red. Jesus, your blood pressure is insane.”
“Julie…they gave me a shot. It makes me have to pee. I can’t control it.” I look down, then away, I can’t believe this is happening. I’m so ashamed. Julie understands right away what I’m trying to say. She lifts up the soiled sheet on top of me, sees what’s beneath it, and freaks out.
“Jesus, God, Scott. Jesus, Mary, mother of God. Christ, Scott, I’m so sorry. I’ll fix it. Are you in pain?”
“Yes, it’s burning, Julie. It’s burning me so bad. It hurts, I can’t take it anymore. I’m so sorry.” I can’t even talk anymore, I’m sobbing uncontrollably, shaking, shivering in shock.
Julie lifts up my legs somehow, slides the soaked blanket off the bed, goes to the sink, brings back some soapy napkins, cleans me up. It hurts so bad, but it’s a relief. She blows on my legs, cools them down. She goes out of my room and comes back with a couple new sheets and blankets. She lifts up my legs, positions a sheet under me. She spreads a sheet over me, then a warm blanket, tucks me in, rubs my feet, tells me it’ll be okay. She tells me if I have to pee, she’ll help. She hugs me, we cry. She wipes my tears away, and rests for a minute. Then she jumps away from the bed like a wild banchee and tears out of my room, leaving the curtain open so I can see what she’s about to do. God, I love my sister. I’m so glad she’s on my side. Those nurses are going to get exactly what they deserve, and more. She’s mad, and she’s on a mission, and she’s good at that. If I ever get out of here, I promise I’ll never hurt her again. I’ll never be mean to her again. She really does love me, and I want to live, if only to show her I can.