Chapter Fifteen - A New Life - In Scott's Eyes
2009 - Mom is 60, I am 35, Julie is 32
Julie called me today to tell me some more Pumpkin News. I'm so proud and excited for her that she is finally doing something she loves and selling her pumpkin bread. I can't wait to get to Vegas too, start living my life, and get out of this crappy little town. I hate it here. It's cold. It's windy. It's rainy. And grey. There's nobody here I like, except Lillian. I want to get away from everybody else. I'm tired of stupid people, and depressed people. And I've always wanted to live in a big city. I've spent too many years in tiny little towns, I want to explore things, and see things, and DO things. You can't run a business here - and be really successful anyway. Just too limited, and too poor.
I have been trying to fight my S.A.D.D. disorder. But it's been tough. This time of year really gets me down. Julie asked me again if I've called this motivational speaker guy she wants me to call. I haven't. She found this fat farm, this ranch, she wants me to go to in Texas. But I don't want to go. I know I can do this on my own. I just have to stick to a plan, and really stick to it. But it doesn't seem like I get any help or motivation around here. Mom is always in pain and depressed from work, and me, I suppose. It's hard to stick to a plan when she brings all sorts of different foods in the house, and doesn't participate in any program with me. I need her help. I need someone to be in it with me. I'm bringing my punching-guy in today, so that it'll be easier to get some exercise in. I really need a stationary bike. I was feeling super motivated to get moving on my weight-loss and get on track so that Mom and I could move to Vegas with Julie. But I'm so tired this week, and irritated. My pain pills make me forgetful and lethargic. And my body still hurts. It hurts to stand, or sit, or walk. The only position I seem to be comfortable in these days is laying down on my side. I'm sick of laying in bed though. It seems like some days, it's all I do, and I wonder when it'll be all I CAN do, and that thought freaks me out. It makes me wanna get up and exercise. But usually I don't.
I wish I could do what Julie has done. I talk to Mom about it all the time, but lately it seems like she's not listening, or doesn't want to hear it. I suppose she's lost faith in anything I say anymore. But I know it's gonna happen. I know we can do it. I'm really looking forward to moving to Vegas, but it seems like our departure date keeps getting pushed farther and farther away. I know it's my fault. I can't seem to stay on a diet plan, or exercise routine consistently. I really want to, it's just so hard to do it alone. But I want to get to Vegas so bad. Every day that I don't make an effort to lose weight so that I can get there faster makes me depressed. I hate myself sometimes. I'm tired of this struggle. I just want to be able to move whenever I want, without having to worry about how I'm gonna ride in a car, or if I can fit on a plane, which is not even an option. I want to just pick up and go. But there's just too much in the way. I have to figure out the health care, I have to lose enough weight to be able to walk up Julie's stairs. I have to lose enough weight to fit in a car comfortably. I have to research the business opportunities for me there. I have to find out if my Social Security benefits and Medicare will transfer, set up a prescription transfer, figure out what to do with my store here in Newport, lose enough weight to be able to lift a box.
I'm tired. I think I'll lay down for a while.