“I’m workin’ on some stuff, Jules, really, it’s not like I sit or lay around ALL day. It’s just when you call I guess.” Julie is crying over me, again. She thinks I’m gonna die any minute. And the truth is, I might. I don’t feel good at all these days, and I am in bed a lot. She’s concerned that I’m going to become bed-ridden any minute. I’m determined not to let that happen, but it’s the pain that I can’t stand. I just have so much pain.
“Scott, I just don’t see how you’re EVER gonna get better on your own. You need help, and I don’t know how to find it. I don’t want to lose you, you’re my big brother. I just feel so helpless and hopeless. And I worry about you every day. Every single day I imagine you finally not being able to get out of bed, and then I imagine your funeral. And I just don’t know what to do. I just want you to be better, feel better, GET better, and stay that way. I’m just so worried that we’re gonna lose you.”
“Well, I’m sorry that you worry so much, I wish I was better too. But I’m workin’ on some stuff, it’s not all bad, and I’m motivated more than ever to get the weight down so we can move to Vegas with you. I did some weights this week, not every day, I won’t lie, but a few times. And I do get out of bed, I promise. Please don’t worry so much. I’m tryin’ to get something going here.”
“It’s just hard to keep hope, Scott, but…I will. I always have hope that something will change, and somehow you’ll get better.”
“Well, good, there’s reason for hope, Jellybug. I’ll be okay, before too long. I have to. Or there won’t be any time left. I know I don’t have time left, Julie. So, I’m workin’ on some stuff, okay?”
“I love you, try not to stress out too much, ‘k?
“I love you too, Scoot.”
I really don’t know if I can do this. I know I need help. I think the possibility of dying is right around the corner, and I’m not sure if I’ll make it much longer. But I won’t tell Julie or Mom that, really. I think I just hinted at it a little too much to Julie. But I don’t want to scare them. But I’m about to give up.
Chapter Thirteen - Missing Dads - In Scott's Eyes
1985 - Mom is 36, I am 11, Julie is 8
I'm in my room because I hate my sister. She's evil and mean, but everybody thinks she's so sweet. It pisses me off. I wish I never had to see her again. She's a tattle-tale and a jerk. She's always everybody's "little helper", what a kiss-ass. And she's so smart it's not fair. Why did I have to have a bad 1st Grade teacher and almost get held back? Why doesn't that stuff ever happen to HER? She's such an angel. Nothing bad EVER happens to HER, and everything comes so easy to her. It's just not fair. And I hate her. She's getting bigger now, so it's not as easy to beat her up as it used to be, and she punches really hard for a girl. Plus, she cries a lot and gets me in trouble. I'M always the one that gets in trouble, not her. I know you're not supposed to hit girls, but she's not just any girl. And she makes me so mad!
I wonder why both my dads didn't want to be my dad. Maybe I'm rotten, like Julie says. Maybe I'll never have a dad. I really wish I had one sometimes because living with two girls sucks. I wonder what it would be like to have a brother, instead of Julie. I bet it would be way funner. I'd teach him how to burn stuff, show him my stamp collection, but he couldn't touch it. I'd have somebody to talk to, somebody who'd understand stuff. I'd have a friend. I only have a couple friends at school because everyone there sucks too. I wish we were back in Salem, so I could see my real friends again. I miss them so much. I don't know why we had to move to Bend, I hate this place. And now we're way out in the middle of nowhere, on a gravel road with wolf-people for neighbors. I snuck over there once to see the wolves, up close, because they make the strangest sounds at night. They sound like women crying. It's really scary, and I don't like it. The wolves were tied up to a post, there were about ten of them. They were laying around and licking their paws. They looked just like regular dogs, except WAY bigger. Their fur was all silvery, white and grey and black. They were beautiful. I wondered if the owners would give me one for a pet since we just lived across the road. But the noises they make at night make me think it's not so safe to have a wolf as a pet. I never told Julie I went to see them, she would've told Mom, and I would've gotten in trouble, again. This is my secret, my own thing, no one else can touch it.
Julie is calling me for dinner and I'm starving, but I don't want to see her, or Mom, so I'm gonna stay in my room and forget about dinner tonight. I have two Snickers bars and some Nutter Butters I've hidden away. I'll just survive on that. I'll just ignore Julie until she goes away.
The smell of spaghetti and the sound of Julie's annoying voice makes me change my mind. I am too hungry to survive on Snickers, and I know Julie won't stop bugging me 'til I come out anyway. But I'm not gonna look at her. And I'm not gonna talk to her. I'm just gonna eat and come back to my room, go to bed. After we eat, everyone goes to their rooms. I tell Mom "good night, I love you", but not to Julie. I've never done this before, but I'm tired of her shit and I want to punish her. Plus, I'm not sure if I even love her anymore. I pretty much hate her right now. She bugs me to say it to her, says it to me. I ignore her. And I think she's given up when I hear my door creak open. I hate when she comes in my room without knocking. She says she's sorry, and though that's nice and I feel like she means it, I'm still mad at her. I still don't think it's fair that she has everything and I have nothing. I don't hate her anymore, but I don't like her either. I say "good night", but not "I love you". I think I have to love her because she's my sister, but I don't have to say it. So, I don't.