Chapter Twenty - Unforseen Circumstances - In Scott's Eyes
2001 - Mom is 52, I am 27, Julie is 24
Well, I've royally fucked everything up, again. I'm on my way to Newport to move back in with Mom and Julie. What a loser. Poor Mom, she finally got rid of us both, and now we're both back. When's she ever gonna be able to live HER life without the burden of Julie and I? This sucks, this all sucks. I am fat. So fat I can barely drive my Jeep anymore. The steering wheel pushes into my stomach so far that I have a constant bruise from it. I hate being this fat. I guess I'm crazy. I guess there's something really wrong with me. I mean, who loses over 200 pounds, then gains it all back in less than 6 months? Who DOES that? God, I hate myself. And I hate living at Gramps’ now too. It's so secluded, it's so depressing, it's so lonely. That's why I've been eating so much. For comfort, I guess. All I've done is eat, without even thinking most of the time. But when I do think about it, sometimes it makes me sick to think about what I eat and how MUCH of it. I'm a fat pig. I hate myself. I should just drive off a cliff right now. End it all. I don't want to be anybody's burden anymore. I'm so tired.
I'm afraid of what Mom and Julie are going to say when they see me. Afraid of what they'll think. Last time they both saw me, I had gained a little bit of weight back, but not like now. I am surprised myself, at how I look, how big I am. I try to avoid mirrors. I haven't weighed myself since I left Gary and Anita's house. I don't even want to know. I know I'm bigger than I've ever been. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why this happened, and why this is my life. I hate it. I really feel bad about leaving Gary and Anita's. I didn't want to admit it, but it's really because of my own pride and stubbornness. All Gary did was ask me to pay a few expenses. I should have just done it, then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't be moving to Newport. I wouldn't be so fucking fat. But my feelings were hurt. A few months before I left, I had an accident on an extension ladder. The thing wasn't latched right, and when I got to the top, it gave out, sending me about 20 feet to the ground in less than a second. I went through physical therapy for a few months, but my knees are shot. I'm in so much pain all the time, and it doesn't help that I'm a big fat pig. Every pound of weight I gain makes my pain that much worse. I'm in a fog all the time, pain pills - can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Anyway, when Gary asked me to pay some rent, or expenses, it just pissed me off. He was barely paying me anything for the work I do for him anyway. Then I wasn't even able to work for a few months, and all of a sudden, when I'm the brokest, he wants me to give him money. It just hurt my feelings, mostly the way he put it, made me feel like I was just a big ol' burden. But I work too, I cook sometimes, I clean the house or do the laundry. I help out. But he just made me feel like I wasn't doing ANYTHING and that I was just mooching off them. It hurt my feelings, and I lashed out, and then moved out. I wish it would've never happened. I wish I didn't have such a bad temper sometimes. I wish I could go back. But I can never go back. I'm so ashamed. Especially now, that I've undone all that Gary, Anita, and I did together. What they did for me was life-changing, it was a chance I'll never get again. I think it's why I eat so much, to forget about my shame. Somehow I'm gonna have to find a way to do this on my own. Or just kill myself, and be done with it. This option seems like the better one at the moment.
I told Gramps I was moving back with Mom so I could get healthy and be in a more active environment. I promised him I would work on it. I think he was somewhat relieved to have me gone. I know he is very concerned about me, but the way he shows it isn't really very nice. He gets angry with me now all the time. And the way he looks at me makes me feel like a piece of shit. I just can't handle it anymore. I don't want to be his disappointment. I think that's why I eat so much, to give myself approval, since I know he doesn't approve of my life. I just feel like my life has spiraled out of control. I tried to go back to school for a few months, but quit like a loser. I went back to work at Target for a few months, but quit that too. Hate that place anyway. I've been working on the farm, trying to keep things up since no one did much while I was at Gary and Anita's. But it's too much work for one person, and I'm tired of it. I don't have any money, all I think about is food, all I do is eat, and I think I eat so much so that I can have control over SOMETHING.
I'm almost to Newport, but I decide to stop at Dairy Queen and get something to eat. I order three double bacon cheeseburgers and two corndogs and a large Coke. The lady at the window looks at me, looks at the bag of food, and I think she almost decides not to give it to me. I know what she's thinking. I can hear her thoughts - "wow, look at him, does he really need all this food!". I grab the bag and drive off, start shoving a burger in my mouth. There is too much food, but by the time I get to Newport, 6 miles away, it's all gone. God I'm a pig. And I think I'm still hungry. But how is that possible? I must eat so much to fill a void, to make the emptiness go away. It must be a really big void.
I’m tired. Just so tired. And I don’t want to be here, in this town, in this place in my so-called life. I hate myself. I’m in pain, and I need a nap. When I see Mom and Julie, they are visibly shocked. I don’t blame them. I’m shocked too. But all I wanna do is lie down. So I do.