Chapter Fourteen - The Hospital - In Scott's Eyes
2004 - Mom is 55, I am 30, Julie is 27
This is the first time I've ever been admitted to the hospital. I'm glad for Julie, because this time, I really needed help, and they were going to send me home before she threw her fit. I think I almost died, and it still may not be far off. I have been in here a few days now, and though I hate it, I know I need it. I can't believe I've gotten to this point in my life. I can't believe I've let myself get this big. I can't believe I haven't died already. I kind of wish I had. It's hard to sleep here, the nurses have to check my monitors every couple of hours, there's always somebody coming in and out of my room. They take my blood a lot for tests. And I hate the catheter, though it's necessary. God, this sucks. I wish my heart would just fail so Mom and Julie wouldn't have the burden of me anymore. I don't think there's any way I'm ever going to be able to make it through this.
The doctor told me this morning that my heart is extremely enlarged. And that it will never go back to normal. That I have given myself a life-expectancy of about 40 years by being this fat. That's only ten more years. What's the point? It'll take me at least two of that to lose the weight. And then what? He said I will add years back as I get healthier, but living this lifestyle, I don't have much longer. I love how he says "lifestyle" as if I choose to weigh almost 700 pounds. Like it's how I want to be. Nobody chooses this. Sure, I chose what I ate, but weight like this creeps up on you. You don't eat a bunch of ice cream, go to sleep, and wake up 700 pounds. It takes time, and circumstances, and yes, a lot of food. It has just gotten out of control and quite honestly, I don't know how to go back.
I am in a category all my own. I'm not obese. I'm not morbidly obese. I am super-morbidly obese. This is actually a real term. And that's what I am. Super. I hate my life and I want to die. I am in too much pain, and I just want it all to end. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of people laughing at me, or taking advantage of me. I'm tired of hurting everyone I love. I don't know how to fix it, but I wish I did. The only thing I can think of is to just go to sleep and never wake up. But they won't give me enough pain pills at a time here in the hospital to accomplish that. I hate crying, but it seems it's all I do some days, like today. Julie called earlier to check on me, said she wanted to come by. I told her I was having a bad day and to stay away. I think she's tired of me. I'm tired of me too. I can't imagine if she were here instead of me, how I'd take it. She's a strong woman, and I love her so much. She's so talented and smart and funny. She always brings me out of a funk with some silly little saying or funny face. I wish she would have come by anyway. I need her.
"Hey Scoot, you up?" She's here. I'm stunned. It's after visiting hours, and I wonder if she's just in my imagination. "Uh, earth to the Scooteroo Pooteroo........where are you, Nerdly?! Ya on some major drugs, or what?" Nope, not imagining it, she really is here.
"Hey Jubie, no not on too many drugs right now. I was just thinkin' boutcha, that's all, and it's after hours, so I didn't think they let anyone in at this time. Ya just shocked me a little."
"They let ME in here, don'tcha remember the emergency room? I don't think they want a lawsuit, so they pretty much do what I ask now. Assholes."
"Uh, yeah, I remember the emergency room."
"What?....What does that mean?"
"Nothin', just that you kicked some ass, that's all."
"Sure as shit, those bitches won't get in my way again! Ha! I'm such a bad-ass."
"Yeah, right, you're somethin' anyway."
"Whatever, dorkus, how're ya feelin'? Still sad?"
"Ohhhh, you know, yeah. Just pretty down."
"Well, cheer up, Charlie. I'm here now. Let's party."
"Uh, I don't think it's much of a party in here right now."
"Why not? You get free food, hot nurses, t.v. all day, what more could you ask for?" I smile, then she smiles. It feels good.
"Well, I do have a couple little cuties that come in to change my I.V. stuff. They're my new girlfriends, but the night ladies aren't as nice."
"That's good. Maybe you'll leave here with a little chippie on your arm, ya never know..."
"Anyway, what gotcha so sad today? Something happen?"
"No, not really." I look away from her, can feel the tears coming again.
"Awww, Scoot, don't get upset, it'll be okay."
"No, it won't. I'm gonna die. I should just die now. I've fucked up your lives too much already. It's not fair. I can't do it."
"God, brother, don't talk like that. It's gonna be okay. I promise." She has come up on the bed and is laying across my chest, trying to hug me. I put my arms around her as much as I can and hold on. I need her strength. I need her love. I need her to believe in me, because I don't. But I don't want to disappoint her anymore. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm just tired. "You're just tired, Scoot. You need to rest. There's been a lot going on the past few days, and I think all those people are done visiting for a couple days, so you can recharge and get focused, k?"
"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm just sorry. I didn't ever want it to be like this. I'm so sorry." I'm bawling like a big baby and I can't stop.
"Ya big BOOB! Quit crying, cowboy up, and get 'er done!" Julie laughs like she's drunk and it breaks me out of my sob.
"You are an idiot!" I am laughing now, so hard I sound like a tittering little girl, which sends Julie into full-blown side-splits, which makes me laugh so hard I start snorting, which makes something happen to one of the machines and it starts beeping really loud. A nurse comes in to check on me, only to see my sister and I, both in my bed, laughing so hard I'm glad I have a catheter in, red-faced and snorting and coughing and she's trying to pinch my nipples and I'm trying to wet-willy her ears, and we're so stupid it hurts.
Julie hung out for a while after the nurse left, and we talked about a few things, but not a lot. She seems to always know what I can take, and what I can't. Sometimes it feels like she's my big sister, not the other way around. I hope someday I can find a way to turn it back, become her rock again, pay her back for all she does. At least, all of a sudden, I feel like there could be a someday. I'm beginning to have some hope. I think maybe we can do this.